


Hyperdrive Supernova

by astropixie



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ableist Language, Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Forgiveness, Gen, Kylo Ren Redemption, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Past Torture, Suicidal Thoughts, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 11:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6608770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astropixie/pseuds/astropixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben represented darkness, danger wrapped in awkward lip bites and apologies. Poe reminded Ben of sunlight thawing his dead, frozen skin. </p><p>How could a relationship between them actually work? It couldn’t—Ben was too messed up, Poe was too messed up. They made a damn good team in a tight spot, though. </p><p>For the prompt: Ben and Poe somehow find themselves fleeing danger in a rickety, worn-out, about-to-fall-apart space ship. They end up saving each others lives with their respective skills.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Araine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Araine/gifts).



“Poe?”

Poe swallowed and looked up. Ben Organa stood at his table, hands clasped together but twitching, nervous.

Poe wished he had eaten lunch at his normal time, when his usual pilot friends all ate together. Then he wondered if Ben was only talking to him now because he was alone. Had he been waiting for a chance to talk to him alone? He waited for Ben to say more.

Ben bit his lip, then said, “I want to apologize for what I did to you. On Jakku.”

He had such a deep, melancholy voice. Not like he remembered from years ago.

Poe took another bite of food and leaned back on the bench, thinking. Ben was the reason they were winning. The former Kylo Ren had killed his own master, Supreme Leader Snoke, and shown up alone at the base with information straight from the highest levels of the First Order. The Resistance had been on the offensive ever since, and the First Order in disarray after losing their leader. And yet.

Poe really, really liked Ben. He always had. But he hated Kylo Ren.

“I appreciate the apology,” he said after a while.  Ben watched him with those dark, sad eyes. “But an apology isn’t going to make up for you torturing me and my friends.”

Ben nodded, using his long hair to hide his eyes. “I understand.”

“Hey,” Poe said as Ben started to leave. “I’m glad you’re back on our side.”

Ben just nodded again, face half-hidden, and left.

* * *

Poe thought about the sad, dark eyes a lot over the next few weeks. Luckily, he had work to do.

Poe hustled through the hangar, looking over repair reports for his squadron and wondering how he was going to get these parts. He issued assignments to the techs, but he thought he would check out “the graveyard” for one part. The graveyard was their area near the base for craft that simply couldn’t be salvaged to fly, but they kept around to pick over for spare parts.

He heard a familiar voice ring out loud in the hangar, and he busied himself closely inspecting the nearest X-wing.

Finn. And Rey. The two Jedi trainees walked with Luke Skywalker, followed by BB-8, headed out on a mission to establish another target for the Resistance. Their advantage of knowing all the military targets had faded as the First Order reacted. They needed more information, and their spies were coming up empty. It was the sort of thing Leia used to send Poe to do, but ever since she had her brother back and two capable Jedi along with him, he felt like he wasn’t even needed. He tried to not feel too jealous about it--they were all a team, after all, that was important--but dangerous missions were what he lived for. 

He grounded himself in the smell of the hangar—metal, sweat, and engine fuel. He smiled. He could still bury himself in his work. He would be needed soon enough. But did they have to take his droid, too? 

He saw General Organa and her son on the hangar floor, watching Luke and the Jedi trainees as they left. Ben stared at the ground, hunched into himself as if ashamed of his towering height.

Poe grimaced. He wasn’t the only one not going on the special Jedi mission. Luke still couldn’t forgive the guy. But then, Poe hadn’t either.

He watched the dark-haired man hug his mom and go off, alone. Poe trotted over to Leia.

“Lots of repairs from the last offensive, but we’re in good shape,” Poe reported to her. The General looked away from the trio of Jedi and smiled at him.

“Good,” she said. “We’ll need to be ready after Luke’s recon mission.”

Poe watched Ben disappear out of the hangar. “How’s he doing?”

Leia followed his gaze, and smiled. “Better. It’s kind of you to ask. I know it isn’t easy for you to have him around.”

Poe could have snorted; she had no idea _why_. “No, I—“ he adjusted his new jacket. “He’s helped a lot.”

Leia practically rolled her eyes at him. “It’s okay for you to dislike my son, Poe. You have more reason than most. Good work here, I’ll call you when we know more.”

It was a dismissal. Poe saluted and walked away. He looked at the repair roster and decided to head over to the graveyard himself to scope for the part. He could use the walk. And the time to think.

The graveyard was a mile from the rest of the base, tucked in a clearing in the forest next to the farthest landing pads. While he walked, he saw Skywalker’s ship take off and sighed. He would be needed soon.

As he neared the graveyard, he heard the sound of crashing, grinding metal, and the hum of a lightsaber. Poe drew his blaster and crept forward in a slow crouch. He stopped, hiding behind a tree.

It was Ben. He stood over the ruins of a scrap engine with his red lightsaber in hand, yelling and slashing, bringing the blade down with heavy swings. When the metal was reduced to glowing, sparking nothing, he sank to his knees, blade falling from his hand, shoulders heaving.

Poe hung back, torn between stepping in to save the equipment, leaving to give the broken man some privacy, or simply watching in curiosity. He had thought about Ben way too much in the past few weeks, ever since the awkward apology. Poe suddenly felt guilty for not accepting it—but that was ridiculous, he shouldn’t have to accept what had been done to him. It wasn’t right.

But from the look of things, the lone man amid piles of scrap, he saw that Ben wasn’t “better,” like Leia had said. This was messed up.

He decided to come back later to get the parts and sheathed his blaster, but stopped when Ben reached for the lightsaber and stood up. He boarded a small cargo ship with its ramp down. Poe’s brow creased, looking at it: that ship was in decent repair, it didn’t look like the rest of the inhabitants of the graveyard.

Ben carried a toolbox to an access hatch in the cargo ship and started tinkering. He spoke quietly. “I’m sorry, grandfather. I’m trying.”

Poe’s heart hammered somewhere in his throat. He really shouldn’t be listening to this. He should have left already. He tried to sneak away.

Ben finally noticed him because of the movement. He went still, and turned away.

“Um. Hi,” Poe said.

Ben didn’t answer.

Poe approached him, gesturing to the cargo ship. Maybe he could pretend he hadn’t heard Ben talking. “Have you been fixing this up?”

Ben nodded, still not looking at him.

Poe nodded too, peering inside and looking around. It was little more than a cargo area and a cockpit, and very old. Of all the ships that needed fixing, Poe would not have authorized this one, but he kept that to himself. “Good. Neat.”

“I have nothing else to do,” Ben said. Then he bit his lip and looked down, holding his arm awkwardly.

Poe could identify with that. “I’ve been fixing up things, too. I came by to look for some parts.”

He didn’t feel like he could in good conscience let Ben spend his time alone talking with his dead grandfather in a graveyard of ships, no matter what his personal feelings for him were. He didn’t even know what they were anymore. He kept thinking about that apology, the dark eyes.

Well, now he knew that Ben was crazy, so he should definitely stop thinking about his eyes.

And there was probably no hope for him. Ben might be on their side but Poe had just watched him throw a tantrum and talk to ghosts. Ben needed a doctor, not a pilot.

“Can I help you find them?” Ben asked. Then he looked down again. “I’m sorry.”

Poe didn’t know what to do. The parts didn’t seem important anymore. He thought about who he could call out here to help him with Ben, but Rey and Luke had already left. Or maybe the General would have a moment to check in with her son. He realized with a twinge in his chest that Ben really had no one to talk to besides ghosts. He only ever saw him with his mother, and those interactions were always brief.

Poe himself did not have an obligation to help, but he couldn’t stand here and let this go on. He would do what he could within a healthy boundary. He smiled and said, “Hey, why don’t we head over to—“

Ben gasped suddenly. He ran past Poe, down the ramp, and looked up through the trees to the sky.

Poe stepped away from him, but followed his gaze. “What? What is it?”

“The Knights of Ren are here,” Ben said. He looked to Poe. “I must go to them.”

“What?” Poe drew his blaster. “Are you…you turning against us?”

Ben backed away. “No. They want to kill me. I’ll go. If I go quietly they might spare the base.”

Poe’s blaster dropped. He instantly felt ashamed for jumping to the wrong conclusion. “Hey. Hey, no, you think your mother would forgive me if I let you go get yourself killed by your old friends?”

“But they just want me, if I go you’ll all be safe.”

Poe ignored him and clicked on his comm. “General? This is Poe. Ben says the Knights of Ren are nearby and ready to attack. Do you have any confirmation on that?”

As if in answer, they heard a huge explosion from somewhere near the base. Ben ran down the ramp, but Poe caught him by the arm. Ben glared at him. Poe swallowed but held firm.

Leia’s voice crackled over the comm. “Poe, take Ben and get out of here. Where are you?”

“The graveyard, General,” Poe said. He let Ben go but with a gesture to “stay there.” He was already looking at Ben’s repaired ship, doing a preflight, seeing how ready it was to fly. It would have to do; the craft was old, possibly going to fall apart. But the main systems were functional, and Poe could fly anything.

“Will any of those ships fly?” Leia asked.

Poe dragged Ben inside and closed the hatch. “Yep, one of these will do. I’ll get him out, General.”

“Thank you, Poe. Ben?”

Poe handed the comm off to Ben, who watched the sky out of the viewport warily. “Mom?”

“Poe is in command. We’ll all meet up at the rendezvous. I love you.”

Ben stared at the comm. “I love you, too.”

The ground shook with another explosion. Poe started the liftoff sequence, testing out the repulsorlifts. Ben sat in the co-pilot’s seat. Poe grimaced at him as the ship jolted. “Hope you know your stuff, Ben.”

They lifted off, hovering a few feet in the air. So far, so good. 

Ben seemed stuck, staring at nothing. Poe guided the craft over the treetops, then touched his shoulder. “Hey. Ben, I need you. How's the hull? Good to go quick through the atmosphere?”

“No. If we go too fast the port side could come apart.” He flushed. “I didn’t get around to reinforcing it yet.”

“Right,” Poe said. “Hold on.”

He zoomed over the treetops, keeping low and putting as much distance between them and the base as he could before beginning the slow ascent. They hadn't been followed, but Poe kept a watchful eye. Ben gripped the sides of his seat as Poe dodged a sudden high branch.

“Relax,” Poe said, a grin on his face. “I got this.”

Ben’s fingers tightened more. “No--they’re coming!”

Ben was probably right, but Poe couldn’t confirm it. He quickly realized the cargo ship only had ancient sensors to look backwards, he couldn’t simply look, like he was used to in the clear transparisteel cockpit of the X-wing. He could face them head-on, but they also had no weapons.

The air seemed to vibrate and Poe fought the urge to duck as a black shadow loomed over them—huge, menacing, shaped more like a battle-axe than a spaceship. The battle cruiser of the Knights of Ren, literally on top of them.

“Okay, no weapons, got any ideas?” Poe asked. They were sandwiched between the irregular forest canopy and underside of the terrible battleship.

“They waited until Uncle Luke was gone,” Ben said.

“Huh?” Poe concentrated on not crashing, and the response didn’t make sense. But then Ben’s words clicked into place. “Oh—You’re right, they seemed to know when we’d be down a few Jedi. Doesn’t help us!”

Ben looked at him. Poe spared a glance his way; the dark, sad eyes bore into him. “You can still leave me with them,” he said.

“Not a chance,” Poe said. He dodged hard to port and hoped the hull wouldn’t come apart.

“But you hate me,” Ben said, and then winced, as if saying those words out loud hurt him.

This was insane. Having this conversation now while being pursued by some of the worst killers in the galaxy in a broken old ship. Poe grimaced as he dodged a branch. “I don’t hate you, Ben.” But he didn’t offer any reassurance beyond that. He didn’t know what he felt toward him anymore. Confused, mostly. “I told your mom I’d get you to the rendezvous and that’s what we’re gonna do, so stop the grand ideas about sacrificing yourself.”

Ben chewed his lip but went quiet.

“I could use some ideas on getting away,” Poe said, when another sharp dodge did nothing—the Knights’ ship still loomed nearby. “Can you—use the Force or something?”

Ben stared at him, wide-eyed. “You—you want me to?”

Poe was about to answer sarcastically when the ship lurched, stopped suddenly, and he grunted as he hit the crash webbing. “Tractor beam,” Poe said. He jerked the controls, trying to wiggle free, but couldn’t. “If you can do something, now would be the time!”

Ben nodded and his eyes fluttered half-closed. Poe kept struggling with the controls, trying to break free--sometimes a quick maneuver could get a ship out of a tractor beam.

“Go starboard and back,” Ben said. “Now!”

They broke free, and zoomed off over the treetops once more.

“Whoo!” Poe whooped. “Nice one!”

Ben didn’t look pleased with himself at all. He squirmed in his seat. “Let’s just go.”

The forest gave way to hilly, grassy terrain. The base was miles behind them. There was no sign of the Knights’ ship, but then Poe couldn’t tell. The ancient sensors hadn't even turned on yet.

“Anyone behind us?” Poe asked.

Ben shook his head, a hand to his mouth as if he were sick.

“Okay,” Poe said. “We’re going up.”

He pulled up, adjusting the power to a delicate balance between giving the ship enough lift to move up and going slow enough so the hull would stay intact.

“How's the hyperdrive?” Poe asked.

Ben didn’t answer.

“Hey. Ben.” Poe risked a glance away from the controls; Ben stared at his hands in his lap. Poe clapped his hand over Ben’s. “Where’d you go, buddy? I need you.”

Ben looked up. “I’m sorry.”

Poe took a deep breath. Ben thought Poe hated him; yelling at him for not paying attention would make the situation worse. “I need to know about the hyperdrive.”

“It’s—it’s not great.” Ben mumbled, cringing away from Poe’s incredulous glance. “I took it from an old Mon Calamari shuttle. I never tested it. I integrated it as well as I could but I don’t know if it will work.”

“Well. Let’s hope the Force is with us, huh?” Poe said with cheer he didn’t feel.

He saw Ben grip his seat again out of the corner of his eye.

The sky went from bright blue to twilight purple and finally black with clear pinpricks of stars all around them. They had cleared the atmosphere, even going slow.

“We did it,” Poe breathed. He winked at Ben. “Not bad, your hull held together fine. Time to test your hyperdrive.”

“I don’t want to use the Force anymore,” Ben said.

Poe shot him a look. “What? You just did!”

Again he realized that Ben was a few minutes behind in conversation, referring back to earlier. When they were done fleeing for their lives in a barely-functional craft, Poe resolved to inform the General that her son needed to spend less time alone in a graveyard and more time around people if he was ever going to get better.

“I try not to,” Ben went on. He stared out the viewport, at the stars. “Maybe if I did I would have sensed them sooner. I let everyone down.”

“There are three other Jedi running around the base and none of them knew about it either, okay?” Poe said, bitter about Finn, bitter about Luke taking the exciting missions.

Well. He sure had an exciting mission now. He eyed the hyperdrive controls and looked at Ben. “Feel good about this?”

Ben shrugged.

Poe grinned at him and pulled the lever.

For a tense moment, nothing happened, and Ben chuckled quietly to himself. Poe shook his head. He was going to die in orbit with the crazy dark Jedi who tortured him. What had he done to earn this?

“Want to let me in on the joke?” Poe asked. “I could use a good laugh.”

But then the stars lengthened—the ship accelerated---

With an odd “clunk” that Poe had never heard any ship make before when going into lightspeed, their battered cargo ship lurched into the bright blue lanes of the stars.

“Whoo!” Poe stood up and clapped his hands. He clasped Ben on the shoulder and shook him. Ben blinked up at him. “We did it! I can’t believe it.”

Ben shied away from his touch. “Poe, sit down.”

Poe had been a pilot long enough to heed the warning in Ben’s voice. He sat right back down and strapped in. “What’s up?”

“I didn’t like that noise.”

Poe sighed, eyeing the controls. “Yeah, I didn’t either. Any ideas on why it did that?”

Ben shook his head. “I don’t think we’re going to stay in lightspeed for very---“

Clunk.

_Crunch._

Poe and Ben slammed against their crash webbing as the ship tumbled out of lightspeed way, way too early. An alarm dinged in the cockpit, and the viewport showed stars again, concentric circles of light as they whirled through black space.

Poe fought the controls, righting the ship. “Well, we got away, right?”

Smoke poured into the cockpit from something in the aft section, and Poe coughed. Ben leapt out of his seat, reached across Poe for the fire extinguisher, long limbs blocking his view of the outside for a moment, and went to the back. Ben might be absentminded and slow in conversation, but he was quick to action. Poe heard the sound of the extinguisher and the smoke cleared quickly.

Ben poked his head into the cockpit. Poe breathed heavily, undoing the crash webbing, and turned to face him. Ben's face was unreadable.

“What?” Poe asked.

“The hyperdrive was on fire.”

Poe raised his eyebrows. “Is it still on fire?”

“No.”

Poe wiped his face. “Okay. Good. That’s good.”

Ben’s hair fell into his eyes, and he shook his head to move it out of the way. “I don’t think it’s going to work again.”

Poe stood up; the impact of the crash webbing would leave bruising, but otherwise he was fine. “Let’s have a look.”

Poe waved aside lingering smoke from the fire and inspected the damage. Ben crouched next to him.

“An old Mon Calamari hyperdrive, huh?” Poe asked. “Well, I think we need a new part for it, but even if we were at the base, we probably couldn’t get one. They stopped making these at least forty years ago.”

He looked up at Ben, who looked away the moment their eyes met. “Hey. This isn’t your fault,” Poe said.

Ben’s hair hid his face, but Poe could tell he was upset. The last thing they needed was for Ben to start slashing with his lightsaber again. “Talk to me, Ben.”

“I should have tested the hyperdrive,” he bit out.

Poe snorted. “As if your mom would have let you. What else you got?”

Ben looked at him sharply, and Poe grimaced. He said that without realizing. They used to do this, before, years before….Ben always had so many doubts, and Poe would make them go away, one by one. He would point out reasons not to worry that Ben wasn’t capable of seeing, and ask, “What else you got?” until all the doubts were gone.

Ben sank to the deck and buried his face in his knees. Poe leaned away from the smoldering hyperdrive and tried to think of a way around a replacement part. Nope. Nothing.

He went back to the cockpit and tried to at least figure out how far they had to go until the rendezvous. He groaned. Without the hyperdrive it would take something like twenty years. He settled in with the navicomputer and tried to find something closer they could limp to. At least they had made it to a nearby system.

He flicked on the communication panel. Nothing happened. He tried again, flipping the switch on and off, and checked the wiring to the panel. It should work, but didn't. He glanced behind him; Ben was still huddled in a ball of misery, but Poe needed him. “Ben? Can you come here?”

Ben unfolded his long legs and joined him in the cockpit. Poe gestured to the communication panel. “Does this work?”

Ben’s ears went red. Poe had forgotten they did that. “No,” he said. “I didn’t replace the array yet. We don’t have one.”

“No hyperdrive, no comms,” Poe said. He shifted in his seat and cracked his neck, grinning up at Ben. “No hyperdrive, no comms, no problem, right Ben?”

“I’m sorry,” Ben said.

Poe fought the urge to sigh heavily. “Not your fault. You didn’t know we’d be taking this thing on a joyride today.”

“I should have known about the attack.”

“We already covered that one,” Poe said. He nearly asked “What else you got?” again but caught himself in time. He shook his head and went back to the ancient navicomputer.

For a wild moment he missed Finn. Spiraling in a spaceship escaping danger was fun with Finn. Ben was a minefield, a series of bombs that could go off with the wrong word. Poe almost asked him why he used such old junk to fix the ship but he knew if would only upset him further, and he stayed quiet.

“You got any food on this thing?” he asked instead. The question was relevant to their survival.

Ben nodded. “Just some rations.”

“How many?” Poe asked.

Ben looked at Poe’s screen. “A box. I’ll go inventory it.”

Poe considered their options with a finger to his chin. He saw two equally distant options in this system in opposite directions—an asteroid trading post or a mining colony world. He pursed his lips, considering.

“Hey, Ben. We have a week-long trip either way, but what do you feel better about: trading post or mining colony?”

Ben emerged from the back, handing Poe a high-calorie ration bar. “I don’t use the Force anymore.”

“I wasn’t asking you to,” Poe said impatiently, but he realized that maybe he was. This trip already brought up too many memories—Ben always had a “knack” for games of luck and chance. “Fine. We’ll go to the mining col—“

“Trading post.”

Poe raised an eyebrow at Ben, who shrank away from his gaze. “Okay,” he said, leaning in to the controls to set the course. “Trading post.”

“I don’t know,” Ben stammered.

“Too late, going for the trading post.” Poe flashed him a grin, but Ben shook his head.

“I don’t want to use the Force anymore,” he said.

Poe finished plotting the course and the ship began its long haul toward the asteroid trading post. “It was fifty-fifty either way, doesn’t matter. We get there in a week with either one.”

Ben’s eyes shone with tears. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

Poe hesitated over the controls. This was clearly upsetting to Ben for some reason. “Look, if you prefer we can still turn around and go the other way.”

“No.”

Poe spread his hands and smiled. “See, you knew something. I could tell.”

His smile faded as he watched Ben squeeze his eyes shut. Why did he always go for guys who had the Force? And with Finn he didn’t even know until, well…until he started training with Rey. They had common ground, Finn and Rey, a secret power, frightening and exhilarating, something to explore together.

Poe was starting to hate the Force. Yet clearly he was drawn to it. Even if it kept taking people away.

“There’s food for six days,” Ben said into the silence. “It’s enough. I’ll skip some meals.”

“Don’t---“ Poe sighed. He missed Finn again. “We’ll both skip a little, stop beating yourself up. It’s great you had food in here at all.”

He remembered encouraging Finn and clapped a hand to Ben’s shoulder. “Okay? You did great. We got out because you fixed this ship up.”

Ben nodded, not meeting his eyes.

They didn’t talk any more the rest of the first day. Ben tinkered with the hyperdrive, unwilling to give up on it. Poe napped in the cockpit, yawning and checking the course whenever he woke up. When he checked on Ben later, he was curled up on the deck holding a hydrospanner like a doll.

Poe tapped the hatch with two fingers, watching him sleep. Why, why, why did he have feelings for this crazy person? Was he crazy too? A little. Yeah, addicted to danger. Ben represented darkness, danger wrapped in awkward lip bites and stammered apologies.

Poe used to love—well, not love, they were too little, but he had a crush on uncertain, raging Ben Organa Solo, his flame that he could stoke, wilting flower he could water. Poe wondered about that sometimes, why he liked those extremes.

It went beyond light and dark; Ben was volatile and fragile, too. And Poe liked it. He liked the danger.

No. He rapped the hatch firmly one more time and sat down. He would not have feelings for a man who still appeared in his nightmares. He would not separate out the mask and the man and pretend they were somehow different. The sad scarred face, clenched in nightmares of his own, made it too easy to forget the black-robed terror. Poe breathed deep, stared at the stars, and reminded himself: _That’s Kylo Ren. He tortured you. He’s not really Ben._

He jumped in his seat as he heard Ben groan in his sleep, whipping around to see if he had been hurt. Ben jerked in place, holding the hydrospanner close, biting his lip like he did so often when he was awake. What did Poe’s nightmare have nightmares about?

“It’s not my problem,” Poe said aloud. Saying it aloud helped stop him from going straight to his side and offering comfort.

No watering the burning flower.


	2. Chapter 2

Ben backed out of the small crawlspace with the hyperdrive and sat on his heels. Nothing he tried in two days of taking it apart and putting it back together again worked. He threw the hydrospanner at it with a shout and held his face in grime-covered hands.

“Everything all right?”

Ben stiffened. He must have scared Poe. He nodded, although he kept his face covered.

He heard Poe’s boots on the deckplates coming closer to him and felt a hand on his shoulder. The contact sent a thrill through him. “Hey. It’s okay, no one will be able to fix that thing. It’s busted. I bet Rey and BB-8 couldn’t even do it if you gave them ten years.”

No, it had to be fixed, it had to. He could do it if he were smarter. If he were better. Rey probably could do it. “I’m sorry.”

Poe took his hand away. “Don’t you think you kind of, I don’t know, set yourself up for this? You picked out all these ancient parts, I’m amazed any of it works.”

Ben lowered his hands. Did Poe understand? “Yes.”

Poe gestured at the hyperdrive, at the rest of the tiny ship. “What, you meant to make this harder on yourself than it had to be?”

Poe didn’t understand. Ben didn’t know if he could explain. He shifted away from him. He didn’t deserve all of Poe’s casual touches. He picked up the hydrospanner and tucked his hair behind his ear. He should try again.

Poe leaned forward and stopped him with a gentle touch to his hand holding the spanner. Ben flushed.

“Take a break,” Poe said. “We’re going to be fine, okay? We’ll make it to the trading post and get on another ship from there. It’s not a big deal. You don’t need to do this.”

Ben watched Poe get up and go to the cockpit. He put the spanner down but curled up, arms around his legs, staring at the hyperdrive.

“Come up here,” Poe called. Ben looked up; Poe was watching him. He got to his feet and stretched; he hadn’t moved much from his cramped position in the crawlspace for the whole trip.

“Know any good jokes?” Poe asked as Ben joined him, sitting down and watching the stars go by painfully slow.

Ben shook his head.

“Stories? Any good stories?”

Ben looked away. Was Poe making fun of him? He didn’t know any jokes or stories. He wouldn’t know how to tell them if he did.

“Why did you laugh when the hyperdrive didn’t work?” Poe asked. “There has to be something good there.”

Ben bit his lip. He did know a story after all. But he couldn’t tell the story of how his parents first fell in love because they were trapped together on a worn out old ship with a broken hyperdrive. Poe already hated him enough without reminding him what he did to his own father, and he might think—he might think that Ben thought…that maybe they could also…

“Well, I have one,” Poe said, speaking into the silence. “You ever hear how I met BB-8?”

Ben listened. He told the story adding in fun background information and pauses, places where Ben thought he was probably supposed to laugh. He talked as though he were talking with all of his friends, his usual crowd of people who surrounded him. Ben wondered if he was pretending that they were really there instead of him.

Back at the base, all this attention from Poe would have thrilled him. But this was forced conversation. It wasn't real. Poe didn't really want to tell him the story, he was just trying to distract Ben from fixing the hyperdrive. Poe didn't believe that it was worth fixing.

"I have to fix it," Ben said. He realized he had interrupted Poe's story, and he bit his lip.

Poe been in the middle of a sentence, but he closed his mouth. "Fix what?"

“The hyperdrive,” Ben said. “It’s still good.”

Poe stared at him. “Well, it's not. I mean, I guess it got us out of the system. But everything on this thing is pretty busted.”

“I'm trying,” Ben whispered. “I'm sorry.”

Poe went quiet, and checked the controls for how the ship was progressing on its course. Ben watched as those experienced hands moved confidently over the console. He wondered and sort of hoped if Poe would touch him again. But no. Poe thought that he was “busted.” Poe was right.

Poe cleared his throat. "Do you know any games?"

Why did he keep asking these questions? Of course he didn't. "I'm sorry."

"You didn't happen to bring something with you? Sabacc?"

Ben didn't answer.

"Well, we don't have much else to do except talk," Poe said. He leaned back in his chair. "Why don't you want to use the Force any more, Ben?"

Ben curled up in his seat. Poe. Poe was the reason. He flushed. "I don't want to talk about it."

Poe sighed. "Is there anything you want to talk about? And don’t say the hyperdrive."

Ben shook his head, his long hair falling into his eyes.

Poe reclined with his boots on the console. "All right. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep.”

“You should have given me to them,” Ben said.

Poe opened his eyes and looked at him. “Given you to the Knights of Ren? They would have killed you.”

Maybe. If he let them. Ben wished he had the hydrospanner to hold in his hands. He squeezed his legs into himself. “But you wouldn’t have had to do this.”

Poe took his feet off the console and leaned forward. “This? What do you mean by ‘this?’”

Ben couldn’t look at him.

“You mean this trip? Talk to me, what do you mean?”

Ben shook his head. He couldn’t talk. He couldn’t say it. He touched his forehead to his knees.

“I can’t help whatever crazy thing you’re thinking if you won’t tell me,” Poe said, leaning closer. “You’re not really thinking I’d rather you were dead than spend a week with you, are you?”

That’s exactly what Ben thought. Hearing it made him want to shrink even smaller.

Poe patted his hand and clasped it. Ben looked up, looking at his hand in Poe’s. Every time Poe touched him, he imagined warm sunlight, thawing the frozen ground of his skin. He thought that the longer they maintained contact, the more ground thawed, all over him, and the clay would fall apart in chunks of dirt and roots into the hollow tomb underneath. It exhilarated him.

“You’ve done some terrible things,” Poe said, still holding his hand. “But you took action. You helped us and you came back. I think you’re going to be okay.”

He patted Ben’s hand one more time, then took the sunlight away.

“I want you to be okay.”

Ben stared at his hand where Poe had touched him. At the slowly refreezing clay.

“What are you thinking?” Poe asked.

Ben couldn’t believe any of it. Anything that Poe said. Poe hated him. “It’s busted,” he said, echoing what Poe had said earlier.

Poe stared at him, thick brows knitted, and Ben couldn’t handle being in the cockpit with him anymore. He went to the aft, but Poe followed him.

“Ben. What the hell?”

He felt trapped. Too tall—the tomb, icy anger. It was unclean, the mud and clay overhead. No wonder the hyperdrive wasn’t working. It couldn’t. It would never. It was a miracle it could function for twenty seconds before melting down.

“I should have gone to them!” Ben shouted. He paced, his hands in his hair, pulling. He could only move two steps before circling around again in the confined space. “Why didn’t you let me? We all know if would be better that way.”

Poe stood in the hatch between the cockpit and aft, watching. “That’s not true.”

The angrier he got, the closer the Force was to him, from long years of using the Dark side at Snoke’s urging. Thinking of Snoke made him even angrier—he waited too long to kill him, and sometimes he doubted if he was really dead. He thought he still heard him in his head, sometimes.

He balled his fists and tried to return to a state of calm without using the Light side either, but no, the Force whispered to him, and latched onto Poe. Poe’s thoughts. Ben held his ears shut, as if that would help. He didn’t want to—this was exactly what he had done wrong, he couldn’t—but he was out of control, and he heard it--

_He’s never going to get better. No one reached out to him at all and we’re just going to lose him again. I’m losing him all over again. No watering the flower._

Ben sank to the deck as if Poe had punched him. He breathed hard, trying to remember Uncle Luke’s meditations—but those were all for strengthening his connection to the Force, not eliminating it. He couldn’t hurt Poe again. Even though Poe lied him, saying he was going to get better and even though he thought he wouldn’t—

No, this wasn’t working, he needed to calm down, immediately. He shut his eyes and clawed at the deck, pretending it was grass. The tomb. Quiet, soft mud. Roots overhead. A marble slab, heavy and cold. He had to stay in his tomb. Ben’s tomb.

When he opened his eyes, he saw that Poe had retreated to the cockpit. 

“Grandfather?” he whispered, so softly his lips moved but no air escaped. He heard nothing in response.

If he were really dead, he would at least have his grandfather.

Ben went back to the crawlspace. He had to fix the hyperdrive. Poe would be safe. He couldn’t hurt Poe again. Everything depended on this.

“Back at it again, huh?”

Ben ignored him. He had to keep working. No sunlight. It was too dangerous.

“I was thinking about when we get back to the Resistance,” Poe said. “It’s a lot of work setting up base. We could use you, if you wanted to work in the hangar.”

Ben hauled out a section of the drive and began dismantling it.

“You know, since you like fixing things so much.”

Did he? Ben took a wrench and undid a bolt; his hands ached from doing this so many times over the past two days but he endured. He had gone through far worse pain.

“You okay?”

He dropped the bolt into the metal tray next to him; it made a clanging sound as it hit the side and clattered to rest at the bottom. People only asked that when it was obvious that he wasn’t okay, would never be okay. They wanted a quick “Yes, I’m fine,” instead of a real answer. It was to make the other person feel better. Not him.

But he owed it to Poe, and he nodded without looking up from his work. “I’m okay.” He hesitated, then added, “I like fixing things.”

“All right, then, you just keep…keep doing that, I guess.” Poe sighed and went back to the cockpit.

Ben bit the inside of his cheek and tasted blood. Poe thought it couldn’t be fixed. Ben couldn’t be fixed.

Poe still thought of him as a flower.

He imagined planting the flower atop his tomb and felt a little better.

* * *

Poe called for him a few hours later.

“Hey, Ben? Can you come up here?”

Ben put his tools down and joined Poe, who eyed the ancient controls critically. He tapped the co-pilot’s seat for Ben to sit down. “Strap in, buddy, there’s an ion storm ahead.”

Ben pulled his crash webbing on and watched Poe work the controls.

“How’s it going back there?” Poe asked.

Ben hunched into himself. “I took it apart. I don’t know if I can fix it.”

“Yeah, well.” Poe glanced up to the outside, and then at the ancient blinking sensor screen. “It would be great if you could but I tell you, if we didn’t have exploding hyperdrives for luck we wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

Ben snorted, and Poe winked at him. “All right, hold on.”

The ship rocked, hit with buffeted streams of radiation from the nearby sun. Ben gripped the seat.

“You know I’m starting to take it personally when you do that,” Poe said loudly, talking over the buckling sound of the hull. “I can keep this thing steady in a little bit of space weather, there’s no need to—“

Ben felt that it would happen a split second before it did. He reached out with the Force to hold the port side hull plate down as it ripped loose. The one he hadn't reinforced yet. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, holding on to the seat even harder now, squirming in place with the mental effort. He had used Uncle Luke’s methods without thinking. He might not be strong enough to maintain his hold.

An alarm blared as his grip weakened. “Whoa, hull breach!” Poe shouted.

“I know,” Ben gritted through his teeth. The plate wanted to rip away like a piece of paper in the wind. But it couldn’t, they would die.

Poe looked at Ben. “Are you—did you catch it?”

“Hurry and seal it up!” The strain was terrible, like holding onto a heavy wet shard of glass.

“Okay, let me—where’s the welding torch?”

“The toolbox!” Ben shouted, and his grip weakened again. He had to stay calm. He chose the Light side for some stupid reason, probably not wanting to let Poe down, and if he switched he could lose it.

“All right, all right—hold on!”

Ben focused, his whole world shrinking to his mental hold on the plate as it strained to get away in the solar wind. He could feel as Poe welded the interior and exterior together, and it got a little easier to hold onto, but he couldn’t let go.

“Ben. Ben, it’s done. I reinforced it on the inside bulkhead, too.”

Ben opened his eyes and jerked back—Poe was right in front of him, dark eyes searching his face. Ben swallowed, unwilling to let go. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Let go, you can stop now.”

Ben loosened his grip, testing it, and the faulty plate stayed in place. He collapsed forward, exhausted from the effort, and Poe caught him.

“Easy. Easy. Nice job, Ben.” Poe hugged him and patted his back as Ben got his breath back. He shuddered with the mental exhaustion, relishing Poe’s warmth.

Poe held onto him, and eventually he realized he needed to pull away—he didn’t deserve this hug. He sat up, but Poe kept his hands on his shoulders, eyes roving over his face. “We’re a good team, huh?”

Ben nodded, although he didn’t believe it. He had just used the Force in front of Poe again. He would never earn Poe’s forgiveness.

Poe’s brows knitted together. “What’s wrong?”

Of course Poe could tell something was wrong. “I’m sorry,” Ben whispered.

Poe opened his mouth. “Ben. What are you sorry for? You saved us!”

“I don’t want to use the Force anymore.”

“It’s been pretty darn useful on this trip.” Poe leaned back, but he kept his hands on Ben’s arms. “What’s going on? Tell me why you don’t want to use it.”

Ben felt his skin thaw again, and he said, “I hurt you.”

Poe considered this. “Yeah. You did. You don’t want to use the Force anymore because of that?”

Ben nodded and looked away, embarrassed. Poe took his chin in his hand and looked right at him. Ben’s heart pounded, and he thought his ears might be on fire. “Hey. That means a lot to me. It’s a little messed up but I appreciate the idea.”

Poe was very close to him, still touching his face. Ben swallowed. “I can barely control what side I use,” he said. He had to make Poe understand. “I used the light side just now and…” He held up his hands, showing Poe the shaking. “It’s harder for me.”

Poe bit his lip, looking down at Ben’s mouth.

“I’m bad,” Ben said.

Poe leaned in, inches away. “You’re bad, all right.”

Poe kissed him. A thrill went through his chest, and he felt warm, so warm. It was slow, tentative at first. Poe parted for a moment, mouth slightly open, looking at Ben with a look like awe before kissing him again, harder, pulling him onto the pilot’s seat. Ben worried about his breath, whether he was any good (he didn’t have much practice, and Poe seemed really good at this), and he listened to the wet sounds they made in the otherwise silent cockpit, wondering if he should make some kind of noise. He did make a noise, moaning without meaning to, as Poe’s tongue slipped into his mouth, his firm grip pinning Ben’s arms to his sides. He whimpered as Poe pulled away and nibbled his lower lip, then fell back, grinning up at him, dark hair sticking to the pilot’s seat from static.

“You don’t mind?” Ben asked.

“Mind? Ben, I’m crazy about you.” Poe pulled him down for another lingering kiss that made him feel dizzy.

There were noises in the back. They broke apart to look; pieces of the hyperdrive and tools floated around hitting the walls without Ben thinking about it. Ben flushed, dropping all the parts at once.  Poe laughed and they kissed again until Ben’s chin hurt from rubbing against Poe’s stubble too long. He hoped he didn't hurt Poe with his. 

Ben didn’t deserve this, he really only deserved to be in his tomb, but he guiltily soaked up the sunlight as long as Poe would put up with him.


	3. Chapter 3

Poe breathed in the smell of Ben’s hair, rubbing his cheek against the soft locks. Ben slept curled up, his hand gripping Poe’s.

So much for not watering the flower. Poe squeezed his hand, looking wryly at their surroundings. They cuddled together in the back of the ship amid the mess of hyperdrive parts and tools. Some part of him had known this would happen, the moment the escaped together. Poe couldn’t resist the pull of Ben—they were a white dwarf and a red giant, orbiting until they exploded in a supernova. He didn't know which of them was which star. 

He sighed into Ben’s hair, guilt gnawing at him. He was using Ben, using him to get off on danger and excitement. Using him because Finn left him. How could a relationship between them actually work? It couldn’t—Ben was too messed up, Poe was too messed up.

Ben was a temptation, and Poe had given in. He had no idea how to proceed—should he apologize for kissing him, make some excuse about how he only did it as a “We’re alive, hurray!” kiss? Should they try to move forward in some kind of relationship?

Poe stroked his dark hair, thinking. No. This wasn’t good for either of them—Ben thought he couldn’t use the Force anymore around Poe. That was messed up. He didn’t expect or want him to change that much. Wouldn’t that be like gouging out an eye or cutting off a limb? The Force was part of him.

And yet, the damned Force kept taking people away. Maybe Ben was on to something. If he could shut it off somehow, if he could be normal, they might not lose him to the Dark side again. Poe wouldn’t lose him again.

But he wouldn’t be Ben.  

As if he had heard his thoughts, Ben awoke with a start. Poe sat up, heart hammering—did he listen to his thoughts? Again? “What’s up?”

Ben looked at their clasped hands, then around him, staring at the bulkhead. “They found us.”

Ben jumped to his feet and ran to the cockpit. Poe scrambled after him.

“What?” Poe slid into the pilot’s seat, where just hours earlier he had driven Ben to a whimpering mess simply from tender kisses. He shook his head and looked out the viewport.

“Oh man,” he breathed, strapping in.

The battle-axe shape blotted out the yellow sun, eclipsing as it closed in on them. Poe gripped the controls and tried to think of a plan, but there was nowhere to go. This was going to be a fight.

The tractor beam pulled them with a jerk. Poe reached for Ben’s hand and gave it a squeeze. This time there wasn’t a clever maneuver to escape--there was nowhere to escape _to_. They were getting pulled in. And when that happened, they would likely be boarded.

“We’re not going down without a fight,” Poe said. He stood up and drew his blaster.

They were inside the huge battle cruiser now. The bulkheads of a small hangar bay closed in around them, the space outside taunting them, the distant yellow sun of the system the main source of light in the dim hangar.

“So there’s six of them, right? Three for me and three for you. Easy.” Poe knew how dangerous they were. While he admittedly had a problem with liking danger, this was bad. They were going to kill them both. But their last moments could be good. Yeah, they were good.

“Poe,” Ben said, quiet.

Poe sighed. So much for lightheartedly facing their deaths. “What?”

“If I use the dark side of the Force, will you…will you...”

The ship jolted with a metallic clang as it set down on the inside of the cruiser. Poe pointed his blaster at the aft hatch. “Spit it out, Ben.”

“I don’t want you to hate me.”

Poe tightened his grip on the blaster. “I thought we’d been over that very thoroughly.”

“I know, but—“

“Listen,” Poe said grimly, ready to shoot. “If you have some way out of this, I don’t care what it is. What else you got?”

“That’s all.” Ben summoned his lightsaber to his hand. Poe eyed it warily, watching the unstable red-orange blade lance out, buzzing and crackling as the crossguards emerged a second later. Lor Sen Tekka had died, cruelly cut down by the blade, and Poe remembered wondering if he would be next, left for dead in the sands of Jakku…

Sparks flew as they started slicing open the aft hatch. Ben strode forward and opened it before they could cut through. Before Poe could stop him, distracted as he was.

The fabled black-clad nightmares stood outside the ship, almost comically confused by the hatch opening on its own, lowering slowly down. Poe could see one of them had their head tilted to the side—just like Kylo Ren on Jakku—

He shook his head—he had to stay sharp, had to wait for an opening, cover Ben—

“Let this ship go and I’ll come with you,” Ben said.

He started to step outside when the tilted-head Knight nodded.

“Oh come _on_ ,” Poe said. He half-stood from his crouch behind the bulkhead.

Ben and the Knight looked at him, and Poe took the opportunity to shoot the black mask. The Knight of Ren fell backward, propelled by the force of the blast, mask half blown off to reveal part of a charred face.

“No!” Ben shouted, but he started to fight the rest all at once, lightsaber a red blur. Poe ran forward, peeking out of the open hatch—he could barely see into the Knights’ ship, it was dark and red and basically as cornily evil-looking as he would have imagined, the only light the sun outside through the open hangar door. But he could see looming black figures with shapes like guns, eerily lit with the slashing of Ben’s red lightsaber, and he fired.

“You think they would have let me go?” Poe shouted over the blaster fire. He ducked inside as a shot nearly missed his own head.

“Yes!” Ben shouted back, slashing and fighting his way to the ship, to protect Poe from another blaster shot. It ricocheted and hit something inside the enemy ship with a hiss of escaping gas.

Poe shot another dark shape down. “Buddy, just because you were bad at being an evil guy doesn’t mean they are!” 

Suddenly he realized he was shouting into silence. Between Ben’s saber and Poe’s blaster, they had dispatched all six Knights of Ren. It really had gone the way Poe joked, with three of them each--Poe was sure his shots had killed at least two. His eyes still couldn’t quite adjust, drawn to the sizzling red blade cutting through the darkness, but they were all dead, lying on the deck almost in a pile. 

“You think I’m bad at it?” Ben said. He wiped sweat from his forehead, lightsaber still blazing in his other hand.

“Well, you did kill all your old friends,” Poe said, waving toward the mess of bodies. "We did, I mean."

Ben loomed over him, sweaty and sinister, his dark hair framing his red-lit face. The only sound was his lightsaber. Poe swallowed, heart nearly beating out of his chest as he backed into the hull of their rickety ship.

“We _are_ a good team,” Ben said, echoing Poe’s words from yesterday.

“Yeah,” Poe said faintly, looking at up at him.

Ben leaned in, about to kiss him (Poe’s heart beat even faster; Ben hadn’t initiated any of it at all yesterday), then stopped. He gestured at the room of bodies with the lightsaber; it thrummed with the motion. “You really think I’m bad at this? I'd say we're both good at this.”

Poe laughed, giddy at surviving and the graveyard humor, and grabbed his head, clunking him awkwardly in the ear with the blaster he still held tight in his right hand, pulling him down and ramming their lips together.

Ben dropped the lightsaber and used both hands to draw Poe even closer, but then backed away. They both gasped for air as they separated, and Ben said, “One is still alive.”

Ben summoned the blazing red blade to his hand and stalked over to the pile of bodies. He raised his hand, and Poe’s mind supplied a black glove for it—but no, it was Ben, it was just Ben--he heard the hum of the Force in his head, felt static in the air—

The black-clad Knight still clinging to life struggled, coughing, as Ben lifted him up with the Force, armor and rags hanging limply in the air. The Knight's gloved fingers went to his neck, trying to pry away an invisible grip. Poe unconsciously echoed the motion, touching his own neck and shivering. Ben spoke, and it sounded deeper than usual, a growl. “You failed to capture me. Yet you feel victorious. Why?”

_(“Where is it?”_

_“The Resistance will not be intimidated by you.”)_

Poe gasped and held his head in painful remembrance. He had to keep his head in the game. He had to secure the ship—yeah, he should do that, get away from Ben as he played with a dying man like a vornskr with a rodent. He tried to focus, tried to see a hatch out of this cargo area that maybe would lead to the cockpit—

“Get back on the ship,” Ben said, and Poe jumped in mid-stride. He took a breath and whirled on him.

“I’m in command,” Poe said, firm, a reminder for himself as well as Ben. “You put that man down and let him die in peace, and I’m going to get this ship going toward the rendezvous.”

“Something is wrong,” Ben said, and he gestured, and the Knight fell, whimpering—a pathetic gurgle through the mask. “Tell me!”

Poe raised his blaster. He pointed it at Ben.

Ben (Kylo Ren?) looked at him, and at the blaster, and back to the Knight. “I can—I could find out—“

Ben stepped away from the dying Knight, from the other bodies. His hands trembled. He dropped the lightsaber, and it clanged onto the deck.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said. Even in the low light, Poe could see the beginnings of tears.

He sighed and put the blaster down. It was definitely Ben, not Kylo Ren. “You okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Ben said again. It sounded less like an apology and more like begging.

Poe chewed the inside of his cheek. Well, he had wanted to end this anyway, right? It could never work. He couldn't believe he ever thought they could work.  “I’m gonna just be honest and say that you torturing a dying prisoner in front of me was not good for our relationship.”

Ben nodded and wiped his face.

Poe watched him a moment and holstered his blaster. “This ship has a working hyperdrive and probably comms too. I’m going to head for the rendezvous.”

“No,” Ben said.

Poe glared. Ben, towering and terrifying Ben, actually cringed away from him. Poe took a deep breath and tried to soften his expression. “Why not?”

Ben looked to the deck. “There’s something wrong. Gaheris was…they all died but he still felt like they had accomplished the mission.”

Poe’s stomach turned at the name of the dead Knight, Ben’s casual tone—the reminder that Ben had known the man under the mask as he choked him and ripped into his head—just like Kylo Ren had known Poe and did the same thing—

 _Head in the game, head in the game_. He cast about for a possible reason. “Okay, so what, being suicidal seems to be a thing with all of you, maybe this is what they were going for.”

Poe wished he could take that back before he even finished speaking. He suspected Ben might want to die, or possibly didn’t care if he died, based on his willingness to sacrifice himself to the Knights, but saying it so crassly, lumping him in with the evil people they had just killed in a minute-long bloodbath…

“That was inappropriate to say,” Poe said slowly. Ben didn’t look at him. “I’m upset right now and didn’t mean to group you with them, okay? I know you came back to us. I know it must have been hard to do.” He thought for a moment. Ben stood motionless, still staring at the deck. “And you’re right, something is wrong. Killing them was too easy.” _Even if we are a good team._

Ben still couldn’t seem to move or speak. He stayed perfectly still, a few feet from Poe, the ship, the dead men, staring at a spot on the deckplates. Poe sighed. “You with me, Ben?”

“It would be fitting,” he said.

Poe waited a moment for more. Ben didn’t say anything else, and Poe said, “What would?”

“What you said,” Ben said. He finally looked at him. His eyes glittered oddly. “All of the Knights of Ren. Dying here. Together.”

Poe shook his head. “Ben—“

“You can still leave me here with them.”

“No way in hell.”

Ben’s eyes flicked back and forth, studying Poe’s face. He looked around and hesitated, then said, “Okay. Let’s go.”

He headed toward their rickety ship—Poe realized, in an absurd flash of thought, that they hadn’t even given it a name—and he followed, confused. “What--?”

“I think they rigged the ship to self-destruct,” Ben said. He checked the aft hatch as he climbed aboard, crouching to inspect the damage from the attempted break-in by the Knights. “I’m not sure, though.”

That would explain any “victorious” feelings even while they were all dead and dying. Poe jogged after him, watching his calloused fingers trace the minimal lines of damage. “That makes sense,” Poe admitted after a moment. “Better safe than blown up. Let’s get out of here and get to a safe distance—“

They both heard it, looking up in shock—the boom of an explosion—

“Go, go, go!” Poe shouted.

They bolted to the cockpit—the engines still hot from flying, Poe hadn’t bothered with shut down procedures, which he thanked himself for now as they lifted off. The ship didn’t seem to be pulled by a tractor beam anymore, and they zoomed out the open hangar bay, tongues of flame in the viewport.

Poe shouted, sure they were going to die, they had waited too long to leave between Poe not believing Ben and Ben’s death wish—

But moments passed, they flew smoothly into open space, and nothing happened. Poe flicked on the ancient sensors, and they both leaned closer to see a blazing dot of radiation on the old screen a safe distance behind them.

“We made it,” Poe breathed. But he didn’t feel the same rush, the same manic laughter he usually felt after a near-death situation. He looked over at Ben. His dark eyes focused on the little dot on the screen. “Are you okay?”

Ben didn’t say anything. He watched the dot until it faded to nothing, then went to the aft section, and Poe heard the clinking of tools as he resumed work on the doomed hyperdrive.

Ben might have hurt him first, but now? If Poe had just been able to control himself...he wouldn't have been so angry...he wouldn't have said that horrible stuff...

He needed to stay the hell away from Ben before he hurt him more. 

Poe sighed and reset their course for the trading post. Three days remaining. And they would be hard, silent, painful days. 


	4. Chapter 4

“So what happened on that ship?” Finn asked.

The three Jedi had known to meet Ben and Poe on the trading post, just as Ben had known to head for it in the first place. Ben settled onto the other ship, the _Falcon_ —of course it was the _Millenium Falcon_ , why wouldn’t it be--keeping to himself as best he could in the little living area. He sat at the dejarik table, but he could overhear everything going on in the cockpit between Finn and Poe. Rey and Luke were outside working on final preparations to take off, since the _Falcon_ barely functioned any better than the ship he’d worked so hard on. They sold it for a few credits, barely enough for a bottle of Corellian brandy.

“Nothing. We survived,” Poe said.

“You guys got together, didn’t you?”

Ben’s ears burned. He curled in on himself.

“Shhh, shh, shh,” Poe said frantically. “Is it some Force thing? You know things through the Force? Does everyone know?”

“You don’t need the Force to see the hickey on Ben’s neck.”

Ben buried his face in his knees and tried to pull his shirt up more. It wasn't far enough, and he gave up.

“Oh, that. Well, we were in a fight, with all the Knights of Ren,” Poe said.

“It’s obviously a hickey.”

“It was quite a fight.”

“Okay, I avoid fights when I can, but please let me know if you fight again.”

“Fine. Yes, we…yes.”

Finn laughed, loud and long. Ben wished he could disappear.

“Ben? Are you okay?”

He didn’t look up at his uncle Luke, who hovered nearby and, after not getting an answer, seated himself at the table. “I heard you had a trying journey. Poe said you defeated all the Knights of Ren.”

He bit his lip, still not looking up. He’d left his lightsaber on the Knights’ ship. But that was okay. Now he felt like he had two tombs—Ben’s tomb in the clay ground and Kylo’s tomb in the cold of space. And Kylo wasn’t alone, he had all the other Knights of Ren with him. That almost made him smile.

“Poe also said—“ Luke hesitated. “Well, he said you seem lonely. He sounded worried about you. I know I’ve been a little distant—“

Ben snorted into his knees.

“Good, so I’m _not_ just talking to myself.”

Ben went still.

“Oh come on, Ben, give me something. I’m trying to…apologize.”

That made him look up. Luke looked so old, grey, his clear blue eyes surrounded by lines. Luke went on, “I should have, I don’t know, given you a better welcome when you came home. I think I didn’t believe you were really back.”

Ben didn’t believe he was really back. He liked to pretend he was dead when being back was too hard. Now he could pretend with two tombs. One marked by a lightsaber drifting in space, the other by a single flower.

“If you want, you can join Rey and Finn during lessons with me.”

His eyes stung, suddenly—at the mere idea of this much forgiveness? The idea of being included?—and he buried his face once again before the tears could fall.

Luke kept talking, ruining the moment. “This mission will be a chance for us to reconnect. You can relearn how to use the Force the right way. Come back fully to the light side. Meditate and heal, the right way.”

They lifted off, and Luke kept talking about how great it was that he had killed so many people on the Dark side, not considering how hard that had been for him to kill the people he once considered his friends, not considering how afraid he was that Snoke wasn’t really gone, just blathering on and on about the virtues of the light and what a great Jedi he could be until Kylo Ren threatened to emerge from the shell of Ben curled up sadly at the dejarik table to strangle the Jedi Master.

_“You’re dead,” he told Kylo._

_Kylo twirled the lightsaber, looking him up and down. Sizing him up. “So are you.”_

“I’m not.”

“You’re not what?”

Ben let out a breath. He said that last part out loud, and now Luke watched him, and he could tell the Jedi Master wished he could take back his offer to join lessons.

“Not…” He had no idea what to say. The truth made him sound insane, and he had no idea what Luke had been on about in the last few minutes.

BB-8 saved him having to come up with a response. The droid rolled up to them, beeping and wailing in a low electronic voice. Ben only understood a little bit, but his relief at the sight of the droid turned to reddened cheeks as he gathered what the beeps and wails said: _I heard some things. Don’t you dare hurt my Poe._

Luke looked between them, his silvery beard twitching. “Ben? Did something happen between you and Poe?”

BB-8 filled Luke in with the conversation from the cockpit, that they had “gotten together.”

Luke covered a smile with his mechanical hand, and Ben glared at the droid. BB-8 squealed and rolled away, and Luke couldn’t contain his mirth anymore—the old man chuckled and stood up. “Well, I think it’s—“

Luke didn’t get to finish telling Ben his unsolicited thoughts on the situation—the ship bucked and the old Jedi nearly lost his footing.

Rey ran like a shot from the cockpit, running past them to the back. She shouted over her shoulder, “The hyperdrive isn’t working!”

Ben laughed. He thumped his fist on the table and laughed. Luke frowned at him for a moment, then joined in, sitting down again and patting him on the shoulder as they laughed together.

Poe and Finn stepped out of the cockpit. Poe crossed his arms, then waved them in exasperation. “What is so funny about this? You owe me the story now, Ben.”

Luke tried to answer but couldn’t, which made Ben laugh even harder.

He felt warm.


	5. Chapter 5

Because they didn’t make it into hyperspace at all, they simply turned around and used the credits earned from the sale of Ben’s unnamed ship to hire a real mechanic to fix the hyperdrive. It upset Rey, Luke, and Ben that they couldn’t fix it between the three of them and an astromech droid, (Poe was amused at the sight of the ancient Jedi Master hovering by the repair team, a droid and a Twi’lek with an array of tools, trying to see what they were doing), but either they could have a project for a few weeks or they could have a qualified team at it and be on their way to do the recon mission.

Still, it was a day to wait on the drive, which they spent milling about the trading post. Poe watched Finn and Rey hold hands as the group explored the shops together, the two of them acting like they were on a date. He caught Ben’s eye at one point, and Ben looked away, wrapping his arms around himself.

BB-8 stayed in between them, keeping them apart as if they were going to, well, act like Rey and Finn. Luke walked behind them all, hands folded solemnly, but with a smirk on his lined face.

Everyone seemed to think they were a couple now, ignoring how they obviously weren’t. So they had done a little heavy petting. They didn’t know—they didn’t see how close to the surface Kylo Ren lurked, ready to slaughter, ready to torture a dying man—

 _Oh, you liked it when he killed everyone, Dameron_ , he reminded himself bitterly. _You liked it. There’s something wrong with you because you liked it a **lot**. You only freaked out when he…when he…_

When they finally left the trading post, it was still a two day journey through hyperspace. The four Jedi spent a lot of time together, sitting quietly in meditation, or sitting crosslegged in a circle simply discussing the Force.

Poe watched Finn and Rey sit close together, watched Ben trying to stay present in the conversation, just like he struggled with conversation when they were alone, but trying. He chewed the inside of his cheek, not sure how to feel about all this. He was happy for Ben, thrilled—Luke had listened to him about including Ben, using the simple logic that excluding him would to lead to losing him all over, and he saw a few shy smiles that made his heart leap with hope. However.

However.

It was Poe’s incredible luck to be the outsider here. Out of all the millions of people in the galaxy, the ones he was closest to all had this power, this ability that he couldn’t understand, but from what he could see made them either solemn boring Jedi or half-crazed dark siders. Why was he so drawn to something that scared him so much?

He watched Ben bite his lip and raise a question about whatever technique Luke was talking about. Luke seemed to think it was a good question, and Finn and Rey nodded as they listened to the explanation.

Why had he only given in to the temptation of Ben when he admitted that he didn’t want to use the Force anymore? It was cruel. It was too cruel to demand that of him. He belonged there, with Luke and Rey and Finn.

Besides, it wasn’t really the Force he feared. It was…the very thing he liked about Ben. The volatility mixed with the vulnerability.

The danger. He liked the danger, just not when it actually turned dangerous.

Maybe that was why he never accepted Ben’s apology. He had some power over the danger as long as he kept Ben groveling, apologizing over and over—at this point, Poe was in the wrong, and he knew it. He made the choice to lead Ben on even though he knew he still had a problem with their past but even now he still couldn’t stop thinking about the sad eyes, the desperate moans.

Poe was selfish, using a vulnerable person for messed up reasons, and he knew it. He needed to stay far away from Ben, let his family and fellow trainees take care of him. He did what he set out to do, back in the graveyard, he informed someone who could handle Ben that he really needed more support.

But he hadn’t done it within a healthy boundary. No, he had gone and made it as unhealthy as possible.

Poe kept to the cockpit the rest of the trip, happy to see people whenever they joined him, but he didn’t actively seek anyone out. He reassured BB-8 that he was fine, traded jokes with Finn that made Rey snort with laughter, and held another quiet conversation with Luke about Ben, but this time Poe immediately felt like he was in trouble when the Jedi master entered the cockpit.

Luke sat down in the co-pilot’s seat and looked grave. “I just had an interesting conversation with Ben.”

Poe’s stomach plummeted farther than if he were doing reckless maneuvers in his X-wing. “Yeah?”

“He says he doesn’t want to use the Force anymore.” Luke leaned back, watching him. “Do you know anything about that?”

Oh, did he. There was no way to explain without sharing what Ben had said about the Light side being harder for him, sharing how Ben had lost control with that dying man, sharing how Ben thought Poe hated him but could hate him less if he just didn’t use the Force, and admitting what a piece of crap he was for melting inside each time Ben apologized for _an intrinsic part of who he is…._

“He mentioned something about that,” Poe said.

Luke pursed his lips, waiting for more.

Poe pretended to check their course or something, keeping his mouth shut.  

Luke said, “Do you mind giving me a moment alone in here? Just—old memories, for an old man.”

Poe blinked. Was he off the hook? He would take the excuse to leave. “Uh, sure. Of course.”

He went to the living area, where Finn, Rey, and Ben stood practicing lifting…BB-8? The droid whirred and buzzed as Rey concentrated, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth, a hand stretched toward the droid but not touching as BB-8 hovered several feet above the deck.

“Hey!” Poe shouted.

Rey gasped, and BB-8 fell with a wail—Poe ran forward and dived, not sure how he could catch his droid, expecting to hear a heavy clunk—

But it didn’t happen. Poe looked up, and hovering inches above his outstretched hands was BB-8, completely safe, and beeping contentedly about what a ride that had been. And above BB-8 stood Ben, a hand outstretched, his eyes closed.

Poe got up and watched BB-8 gently float down to the deck, coming to rest and then rolling around in a few celebratory circles. He tried to catch Ben’s eye, tried to say “thank you,” but Ben looked away, hugging himself. He sat down at the dejarik table and mashed his palms into his eyes.

Poe grimaced and tried to flee to the cockpit, but he nearly ran into Luke, who stood in the hatchway watching with his arms crossed, nodding as if he had just had something confirmed.

Finn and Rey crouched around BB-8, Rey apologizing, but BB-8 brushed it off. Poe frowned at Luke. “Did you…okay, first of all, BB-8 shouldn’t—and second, you—“

Luke gestured for Poe to join him, apart from the commotion, and spoke very quietly. “Hatred leads to the dark side. I can’t teach a student who hates himself.”

Poe swallowed.

“You told me you’re worried we’re going to lose him again, and I agree, if something doesn’t change.” Luke pointed to the group of students; Finn and Rey laughing and smiling, and Ben sitting alone, covering his head. “I didn’t quite understand before but he doesn’t want to use the Force anymore because of you. That’s it, isn’t it?”

“That’s what he told me,” Poe admitted. “I told him it was messed up but I didn’t exactly fight him on it.”

Luke pinched the bridge of his nose with his mechanical hand, as if struck by a sudden headache.

“I’ll talk to him,” Poe promised.

Luke gestured for him to go join Ben at the table right now, and Poe nodded.

Poe slid into the seat and folded his hands together, not sure where to start. Finn and Rey watched them.

“Guys, a moment, please?” Poe said.

Finn winked at him, but they left, not going nearly far enough—they joined Luke in the cockpit, where they could likely hear everything. Poe sighed. The magnitude of how he had acted this week weighed on him, and he didn’t know what to say to Ben, who still sat with his arms over his head.

“I’m sorry,” Poe said. That was a good start.

Ben chuckled, muffled from where he was, but he still didn’t emerge from his self-made cave. “You didn’t do anything.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel like you have to give up a huge part of who you are,” Poe said. Ben still didn’t look up. “That was…really cruel of me. I feel terrible.”

Ben made a cushion out of his folded arms and looked up at him. “It was my crazy idea, not yours.”

Poe shrugged.

“What else you got?” Ben asked.

Poe looked down at him, surprised. “Okay. I took advantage of you—I shouldn’t have started anything.”

Ben smiled slowly. “I like being taken advantage of by you.”

Poe flushed, a jolt going through him at that.

“What else you got?” Ben said.

Poe nodded, smiling back. But then his smile faded. “I’m scared of you, Ben.”

Ben nodded, a weird motion from his upward sideways glance. “I know. You like it, though. I don’t get it.”

Poe felt his cheeks begin to burn. “What do you mean?”

“Back at the Knights’ cruiser. You liked it when I killed everyone.” He looked confused. “That’s pretty weird, Poe.”

Poe squirmed in the old leather seat. “You noticed, huh.”

“My ear still hurts, you didn’t bother putting your blaster away, you just…grabbed me.”

Poe brushed aside his hair; sure enough, a small cut split the edge of his ear. “I’m sorry about that, too.”

Ben moved into his touch, and Poe kept stroking his hair. "It's the only injury I got in that whole fight."

"Sorry, I--"

"It's okay, I just think it's funny. What else you got?" 

Poe's hand stopped, and Ben looked up at him, waiting. Poe shook his head; he couldn't say everything he felt. It was too much. 

Ben sat up but he kept himself hunched over, so he didn't seem taller than Poe, instead looking at him straight on. "What else you got?"

Poe considered, then remembered everyone undoubtedly listening in the cockpit, and whispered right into Ben's scratched ear. "I never accepted your apology and I'm not sure I can. I think I like keeping you...keeping you..." 

Ben nodded when he couldn't finish the thought, then motioned for Poe to lean over so he could whisper back. "You are the sun and you can burn me as much as you want."

Poe sucked in a breath. "That's...that's dark."

"You like it. What else you got?"

Poe stared. "You're okay with that? With me being like that? I don't know, I don't want to hurt you. I know you don't want to hurt me anymore, it's down to me now." 

"I'm okay with it. What else you got?" Ben asked firmly. 

A weight lifted from Poe--there it was, his central problem, and Ben gave him a sick, twisted permission to...ignore it. Maybe this wasn't healthy, but maybe it could work. Maybe they would eventually get to a place of actual forgiveness.

"We never named your ship," Poe blurted. That had been bothering him. "It should have had a name. We had some good times on it."

Ben tilted his head. "What do you have in mind?"

Poe remembered again the supernova--the white dwarf star and the red giant, orbiting each other until they exploded--and grinned. " _Bad Idea Supernova_."

" _Hyperdrive Supernova_ ," Ben suggested, and Poe laughed.

"That's it," he agreed. "'This is _Hyperdrive Supernova_ , requesting permission to dock.'"

Ben laughed. "I'm glad we didn't ever have to say the name to anyone."

They kept talking, laughing, until eventually everyone else joined them. Poe realized that Ben had made his doubts go away, one by one.


End file.
